Monday, January 31, 2011

Another Kick At The Can

Today I am making a solid effort to quit smoking.  I don't even really want to so that worries me a bit - don't you always hear that people are most successful at it when it's something they really want to do?  I really enjoy smoking, actually.  But it's yucky and it's expensive and I really don't want the boy growing up thinking it's okay.  Plus I've started to wheeze.  I'm not a heavy smoker at all, but what with the resilient gray hairs and the varicose veins, the wheezing troubles me.  I have 2 smokes left and I'm not buying anymore.  (So I say)  Well, good luck to me, I'm glad it's super cold out.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It's Going Around

How come whenever someone gets a cold or flu in the winter someone always says "It's going around"?  I mean, that's what viruses do - go around.  I would like it if someone could provide me evidence of a time during the winter when there isn't a virus going around.  I would like it if I said, "I have the flu", someone else said ; "Really?!?! OH MY GOD!  That's crazy - there's nothing like that going around!!"  Just once.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

If this turns out to be the only thing I take away from "Paradise Lost", well, that will be just fine

It's funny the things that can comfort you.  I'm currently reading Paradise Lost for English class and really not enjoying it. 
Since Friday I have gotten the silent treatment from my boyfriend, or not my boyfriend, over something really ridiculous.  I tried to give him a day or two to cool down, but instead I have been assaulted with a barrage of insulting text messages and emails.  I'm trying to leave him alone, and have asked him to leave me alone, but it's not working.
Now, even though I know that his insults are mainly untrue, unfair and said in anger - they still hurt.  Especially the ones that illustrate he thinks I'm a lying, insignificant racist.  (I was not aware that the word himey was a derrogatory slang for a Jewish person - I only thought it meant cheap.  I  assure you it is a word I will never use again)  Anyway...
So these insults hurt my feelings, as they would anyone's, especially coming from someone who tells you how wonderful you are. I try to smirk as I read them because I prefer smirking to crying.  But it's hard. 
So, today in English class...
My professor is talking about some of Satan's more prolific fallen angels.  And he starts talking about Belial (sp?)
He starts going on about how Belial is able to trick people with his speech into thinking he's a great, smart, rational guy, but a close reading of Belial's speeches reveal that they are baseless, nonsensical, and fundamentally untrue.  I perked right up.  My prof says that although Belial uses his syntax and his big words properly, his logic is garbled because his mind is garbled.  I liked that. And not just because it gave me a pretentious new argument, but I really actually took comfort in it.  Boyfriend's mind is garbled, well, in his case - pickled is probably a better word.  He can be as gramatically correct and use as many big words as he wants.  He's still a dumb liar.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Don't I Look Pretty?

So I just wasted an hour playing dress up with my blog.  Don't be surprised if there's a new look more often than seems necessary. This thing is to be a reflection of myself, right?  Well, I like wearing all sorts of different outfits, too! 

Saturday, January 22, 2011

It's like finding out Santa is really your parents all over again

One of my favourite songs of all time is "Clouds" by Hole. I love it dearly, want it played at my funeral and everything. (One of my few regrets is allowing my ex-husband to convince me that it wasn't an appropriate choice to play at our wedding) Never mind that, one of my best teenage memories is the year Hole played at Lollapalooza and actually performed this song, it was like heaven, as I recall.

So, the hangover wearing off enough for me to do some light school-work, I start going through one of my poetry books, and "Both Sides, Now" by Joni Mitchell jumps out at me from the table of contents.  I don't know why, my inner hippie was showing or something.

I start reading the poem and realize it's the lyrics to Clouds. Now, the lyrics-lover in me was somewhat pleased because I've never been able to know with complete certainty what exactly the words Courtney is screaming are.  I can't help reading the poem as if she's singing it.  Out loud.  My upstairs neighbor isn't home so why not?  It turned out to be a fairly enjoyable diversion on this snowy, shitty day.

What bothers me is the disappointment I feel. Why do I all of a sudden love this song a little less?  It's not like I have beef with Joni Mitchell.  I feel fairly proud of old Corky for being a little bit more well-read than I might have thought.  The song is on the "Pretty on the Inside" album, which I grab off the shelf and start reading the liner notes to.  They've got the lyrics for each song - I notice that "Clouds" does not have the complete lyrics - only one verse, which must have been the only one the band actually wrote.  Nowhere is there any indication that Joni Mitchell is responsible for the rest of the lyrics. 

"All songs - Hole 1991
Bad Sister Music BMI"
(no asterisks or exceptions follow this)

Hole also wishes to thank a number of people... Joni Mitchell isn't one of them.

So, I am partly bothered by this, but the disappointment had kicked in well before I discovered this slight.  Why?  I honestly think I'm disappointed because the song no longer seems as cool or something - what a fucking elitist mentality but I can't seem to shake it.  Would my teenaged self had liked the song as much if she knew Joni Mitchell wrote it?  Probably not.  But why the hell does my 33 year old self, who, if we're being honest here would probably rather listen to Joni Mitchell than Hole these days, still care about the farce that people like to call street-cred?  I think I best go smoke a bowl and do some serious self-reflection, sorry homework, you'll have to wait.

Both Sides, Now
Rows and flows of angel hair,
and ice cream castles in the air,
and feather canyons ev'rywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun,
they rain and snow on ev'ryone,
so many things I could have done,
but clouds got in the way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
from up and down and still somehow
it's cloud illusions I recall;
I really don't know clouds at all.

-Joni Mitchell, 1967

Clouds (Hole)

My head hurts. No one else seems to like white wine so I drank the whold bottle myself.  My tummy hurts, but that's nothing new. Gluten and lactose intolerances exacerbated by eating only cheese and crackers yesterday.  My legs feel like they weigh 435739 pounds.  Each.  I think this all means I should stay in bed all day.  I like not having a job.