Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It's Not That Easy

So, I have a class this semester called Me, Myself and I: The First Person Narrative.  We have an assignment due on Thursday where we have to write about our own first person narrative style.  The prof suggested looking at how we present ourselves on Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc.  So I came here to see how I present myself and this is all I could come up with:
  • I don't have, and don't want, my real identity on here.  Although someone with a modicum of sleuthing skills could figure out it's me I don't necessarily want people to know I have a blog.  I feel that by remaining anonymous it allows me to write freer.  See, if people knew I had a blog I would feel pressure to keep it updated and intelligent.  I also feel that I couldn't be as honest if my identity were known.  I'm not blogging for followers or anything, for me it's a purely personal cathartic undertaking.  I can say what I want without worrying about the consequences.  So, what does that say about me?  That I'm a pussy, I guess.
  • I tried to make my blog a complaint-free zone.  This didn't work.  Which says I'm a complainer.
  • I'm kind of sarcastic on here - but that actually is a true reflection of me.  I'm sarcastic.
  • I don't really have much of anything to say most of the time.  I think this might stem from trying to keep the blog positive and not complainey... I'm at my best when grinding axes.
So - what have I discovered by perusing my blog?  I'm a whiny, sarcastic pussy who likes the idea of hiding behind an invisibility cloak.  Now I'm expected to go write a paper on that.  That's awesome.  (that was sarcasm)
Don't get me wrong, I think the idea for the paper is a cool one, and being aware of how you present yourself is probably important.  But what if you don't like how you present yourself?  Can I write this paper without falling into self-loathing?  I haven't even written it yet and I'm already embarrassed that the prof is going to read it.
I've never really enjoyed talking about myself at any length, usually because I don't know where to start.  I mean, ask me questions and I'll gladly answer them, but say "Tell me all about yourself," and I look like a stammering fool.  Like, I hate when people ask me what my hobbies are because I don't have any and it makes me feel inferior.  I cannot strike up random conversations, and I'm really bad at small talk.  Even worse at pretending to care about what the other person is talking about, which is probably why I'm so disliked (although I think claims of my unlikeability have been greatly exaggerated)
This post has been mainly me thinking out loud (or type-thinking? I don't know) as I try to sort out how to tackle this assignment.  I've realized that talking/writing about yourself is harder than it seems.  Or, harder for me anyway.  Maybe that's why I can write a mean history essay - they're supposed to be impersonal, factual and argumentative.  I have to prove everything I say, and the use of personal narrative is forbidden. 
But, alas, this is an English paper and at least I don't have to do research.

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